Gooseletter 7

Considering a mullet? Here's what you need to know

Unlike any kind of sex advice I may give on these, this one’s actually based on experience. I served about three months under an unexpectedly curly mullet earlier this year. As a veteran, I feel it's my duty to provide a general overview of the experience to anyone considering the hairstyle before they pull the trigger.

  • Get your hair to an unbearable length before committing. I came into the barbershop prematurely (what else is new?) and my first month of mullet wasn’t as special as it was cracked out to be. Be patient.

  • Don’t show up to the barbershop and say “gimme mullet.” Apparently more specification is required (e.g. length on the sides). Come with a plan and avoid an awkward few minutes of scrolling through google images of “mullet” with your barber. Don’t get me wrong, I love Joe Dirt and Billy Ray Cyrus, but they dominate that search, and if it's your first mullet you can’t pull off what those legends rocked.

  • Once mullet is acquired, it’s going to become your personality. Get ready to chug beers and be a wild card, because that’s now what’s expected of you. You wear cutoff shirts and listen to rock n roll. You chose this. This is you now.

  • Every compliment you receive is going to sound sarcastic, and it likely is. A lot of them will sound backhanded, but those are the most genuine. “You know, it actually doesn’t look that bad” or “I thought it would look a lot worse.”

  • It’s the ultimate haircut for working from home and doing business over Zoom. It’s called “business in the front, party in the back” for a reason. Make sure to keep that neck stiff on your calls as to avoid revealing your flow until your awkward 5pm Zoom happy hour.

  • You can probably anticipate each of my prior points, but this last one’s unexpected. Once the mullet is gone, get ready for a cold neck. Despite losing your mullet, you'll still be cool just in a different sense. It's like getting out from under the covers on a cold morning, any breeze is gonna be goosebump-inducing. I'd recommend a turtleneck, the stylistic opposite of a mullet, to stay warm.

Keep the high five alive: An excerpt from the quarantine days

The first reader submitted content for The Gooseletter:

As the Covid quarantine makes me slowly realize more and more my crippling nicotine dependence I take a moment to think how the world will change in the aftermath of this pandemic. Will sports ever get back on schedule? Will I ever get back on a socially acceptable masturbation schedule? Only time will tell. I have however heard several concerning predictions that handshakes and high fives will become a thing of the past as we navigate ways to prevent a future pandemic. Now personally, I could give less of a shit about the handshake, sounds like something my dad would get mad about losing but honestly what 20 year old likes handshakes. How much more relaxed would that presentation be if that CFO you’re meeting just shoots you the finger guns as you walk in. So chill. But my friends we absolutely cannot allow the high-five to die. Little high-five history, it is said the high-five was “invented” during a baseball game in 1977 when Dodgers player Dusty Baker (all time name) notched his 30 th dinger and teammate Glenn Burke raised his hand and smacked Dusty’s because “it seemed like the thing to do.” Gotta respect the motivation there but the high five being invented in 1977? I’m calling bullshit Burke. You’re telling me God didn’t slide Adam a secret dap for piping up Eve or Ragnar Lodbrok wasn’t giving high fives to his Viking warriors after sacking England? But hey props to Burke and Dusty for following in the footsteps of the great American inventor Thomas Edison by seeing a great idea and just stealing it (look it up Edison was a dick). My friends we have to stand together to keep the high five alive, remember a time at a sporting event when you high-five some random stranger after a sick play. Electric. Remember when you managed to dunk that ball out back, okay you only touched rim but got that high-five from the boys anyways. Electric. Remember that time you brought that 2 back from the bar with you because you were on a dry streak previously unseen by man and your roommate daps you up for it anyways. No more shame, only happiness. We need the high-five.

It's not a phase

I think I’ve recently tested positive for an angsty "emo" phase. It hit me late compared to most, but I don’t need a blood test or swab up my nostril to know what this is:

Symptoms: 

  • Shift in music taste
    Machine Gun Kelly and Travis Barker have found their way into my headphones, playlists, and concert ticket receipts.

  • I painted my toenails black
    This was before I even realized I was amidst this phase. It just happened unconsciously. Granted, it was during a pedicure which could be considered an antibiotic in this case.

  • Bodily harm
    Not in a concerning way whatsoever. But, I do willingly put my body through the wringer by hitting the occasional 3-day juice cleanse. And I take Kendall Toole's metal rides and don't stretch after.

Case confirmed, and I don’t care. The only issue is the fact that it hit me late. Now so many of the edgy activities that have provided release for angsty teens don’t hit the same. For example:

  • My roommates don’t get mad or threaten to ground me when I sneak out late at night. In fact they often join me. I have no one to rebel against in my own household.

  • The discreet use of drugs and alcohol doesn’t provide the same adrenaline when I’m old enough to legally purchase both. The one cool thing lawmakers have done ever is now working against me. I don’t get the thrill of breaking rules so there’s no excitement, just a lame buzz.

  • Edgy attire is actually popular in some circles, which completely defeats the purpose. We’re in California so Vans are popular (even the checkered ones), skinny jeans are now the norm, people are dying their hair left and right and rocking band shirts. Not being able to express myself via the fashion medium may just be deepening this internal emotional struggle

BBM Vol. 20 Review (as if it was on the back of a wine label)

Heavy notes of Olivia Rodrigo from start to finish with subtle quotes of Thad Castle on the back end. This mix incorporates untraditional artists from outside the music industry, namely Chip Skylar and Infant Sorrow, which is a conscious middle finger to the same record labels responsible for the artist's consistent squabbles with copyright infringement. The mix presents like a domestic product with uncharacteristic inclusion of country music, but fails to differentiate itself from standard drops that flood its genre. Themes include "coming" and "going," pointing to the lack of pregame and concert environments of late that will soon be a thing of the past, and suggesting a reversion to party scenes of past (perhaps a callout to the artist's upcoming Adventureland tour). Many mixes will "come" and "go," but BBM Vol 20 will populate playlists for years following its 2021 vintage.

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Gooseletter 6