Gooseletter 6
Health/Lifestyle Tip
I recently watched both Footloose movies in one sitting, and it made me realize a few things:
Miles Teller’s performance as Willard proves he’s one of the most versatile actors in Hollywood
“You look sexier than socks on a rooster” is an amazing quote that in practice causes confusion rather than the intended compliment
For a town with a several-year ban on dancing, how is everyone so good at it?
That got me thinking, the dance-ban in Bomont is not so different from our quarantine situation. A night out dancing is a foreign experience after a year of outdoor seating and limited capacity. So, what’s the health tip? It’s sure as hell not to spend 3.5 hours watching both movies. It’s to start dancing alone at home.
You’re gonna be Rusty, and you’re risking embarrassment and injury if you try to dive right in. You’ll be looking like Dirk Nowitzki his last year in the league; stiff and relying heavily on one move. It’s not too late to get your reps in as dance floors begin to fill up again. Plus, it’s technically cardio. Do what the students of Bomont High had to have been doing in private for years to be able to pull off that performance at prom. Practice at home.
What a long weekend in Austin, TX taught me
That “It’s Friday then it’s Saturday Sunday” is the official song of the summer
Don’t be Mason’s bathroom the morning after 10 dudes eat their weight in BBQ
Taking your shirt off at a bar is a personality trait (whether it’s a good one or bad one is still up in the air)
Leaving your shirt (and potentially other garments) in the freezer for at least 10 minutes is a sure fire and cost efficient method to combating high heat and humidity
Divorce parties** exist and I’d like to be a part of one some day (not necessarily my own, but if we’re all happily married I’ll do what I have to do)
Interested in Crypto?
Me neither. But I bought some solely because I have a propensity for FOMO and I’ll do whatever it takes to avoid any sort of negative emotions, even at the risk of literally losing money. Plus it’s a way to cure that gambling itch until football season.
Anyways, if you haven’t bought in yet I have the perfect way to get a taste of the highs and lows of the crypto experience while keeping your funds in a traditional currency.
First, commit to being somewhere (driving distance from your house) at 6pm on a Thursday or Friday night. Could be a hot date, but more realistically you’ll pre-purchase a single, nonrefundable ticket to the 6pm showing of Fast and Furious 9 at your local movie theater.
At around 4:45pm, start checking Uber fares to (let’s face it) the movie theater. Refresh the fare consistently for the next hour or so, and torment yourself as the price fluctuates. Should you commit at the current price and get there early? Should you wait for a possible drop and risk missing the opening credits? Doubts gro heavy as you second guess yourself. You theorize about the countless outside factors that could be driving the shifts in pricing until you inevitably make the wrong decision.
That exact same anxiety is ever so present with crypto, except it's more long term and confusing.
Banger of the Week
You guessed it: Friday ft. Mufasa x Hypeman
What do classics like Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Baby Got Back, and I Wanna Dance With Somebody all have in common? They’re straightforward, truthful, and don’t set unrealistic expectations, and that’s why their legacies will live on forever at white people's weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Contrary to We Found Love in a Hopeless Place by Rihanna, that’s for sure. I constantly put myself in ideal situations to find love and am met with rejection and my heart feeling like it did after all that BBQ in Austin (I’m of course referring to the pain caused by heartburn rather than my heart burning with passion).
This banger of the week fires me up to have some fun on the weekend by literally just repeating three days of the week in the correct order. It’s factual and doesn’t beat around the bush, kind of like Manscape’s Lawn Mower 4.0 (still trying to snag that sponsorship). It follows the recipe for a timeless wedding party masterpiece. I can assure you it’ll play at my wedding, and then again repeatedly at my inevitable divorce party. I would say it’ll play at my bar mitzvah too, but I’m not Jewish and I think I’m a bit late to the party. I am still eligible for a bris though. If it means the song plays again at my bris, hell, I’ll turn my hoodie into a crew neck.
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**Think bachelor(ette) party but for right after the divorce is finalized. You get all your boys/gals together and party it up to celebrate the end of an era. Big shout out to whatever marital issues caused our Air Bnb neighbor to get divorced and introduce me to this brilliant excuse to party