Diversify your cancer risk
If you chew too much tobacco, you’ll get mouth cancer. If you smoke too many cigarettes, you get lung cancer. If you hit the vape too much, TBD (but keep in touch with me to find out in about 20 years). All I’m saying is if you alternate between the three, you’ll reduce the risk of each cancer.
Weight loss
Spend a lot more time with your shirt off and invest in a lot more mirrors around the house. Increasing the number of times you see your own body will either really upset you and put you in a dark place, or motivate you to lose the weight. It’s about 50/50.
Underrated muscles
Curls may be for the girls. Tri’s may be for the guys. But if you’re like me and can’t impress either of those genders, these are the muscles you might as well focus on:
Traps
Shrug your way to looking like a cobra. Focus only on this “muscle” and you’ll look like Mike Alstott in full pads from the shoulders up - but without the helmet, balance, or talent. You’ll basically just have a permanent neck roll. Why is it underrated? It's the closest muscle to your face, so it gets the most visibility.
Forearms
No one has to ask you how much you bench or squat to know you’re strong. All you have to do is not wear sleeves. I have no idea how you workout your forearms. All I know is I was jumping rope the other day really worked those puppies. Not sure what that says about me.
More of a financial tip
For all the hairy dudes out there. Save money by not buying body wash and using shampoo everywhere. On your head cheddar, chest lettuce, and even back cabbage! If that sentence didn’t discourage you from being a vegetarian I don’t know what would. Don’t let big hygiene or most female’s sentiments toward body hair fool you -- you’re one of the lucky ones.
It’s time to boogie
I recently watched both Footloose movies in one sitting, and it made me realize a few things:
Miles Teller’s performance as Willard proves he’s one of the most versatile actors in Hollywood
“You look sexier than socks on a rooster” is an amazing quote that in practice causes confusion rather than the intended compliment
For a town with a several-year ban on dancing, how is everyone so good at it?
That got me thinking, the dance-ban in Bomont is not so different from our quarantine situation. A night out dancing is a foreign experience after a year of outdoor seating and limited capacity. So, what’s the health tip? It’s sure as hell not to spend 3.5 hours watching both movies. It’s to start dancing alone at home.
You’re gonna be Rusty, and you’re risking embarrassment and injury if you try to dive right in. You’ll be looking like Dirk Nowitzki his last year in the league; stiff and relying heavily on one move. It’s not too late to get your reps in as dance floors begin to fill up again. Plus, it’s technically cardio. Do what the students of Bomont High had to have been doing in private for years to be able to pull off that performance at prom. Practice at home.
Hiccups. Everyone’s been there.
Hiccups are like middle school boners - they come at the worst times.
Or like nicotine cravings - no matter what you do, they never seem to go away
Since hiccups represent the things that have haunted me in the form of a bodily reaction, I’ve devised a foolproof way to stop hiccups for good (something the waistband trick and “diversifying my cancer risk” could never do).
All you have to do is stick your fingers down your throat. I’m not saying make yourself vomit, god no, who would ever do that. Just get to the point where you gag a couple times then stop. A combination of clearing your throat and experiencing the worst sensation known to man will get rid of your hiccups in no time.
It’s efficient, it never fails, it’s quick, and (unlike my ex girlfriend) you’ll be satisfied and have me to thank for it.