“Friday” by Riton x Nightcrawlers

What do classics like Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Baby Got Back, and I Wanna Dance With Somebody all have in common? They’re straightforward, truthful, and don’t set unrealistic expectations, and that’s why their legacy will live forever at white people's weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Contrary to “We Found Love in a Hopeless Place” by Rihanna, that’s for sure. I constantly put myself in ideal situations to find love and am met with rejection and my heart feeling like it did after all that BBQ in Austin (I’m of course referring to the pain caused by heartburn rather than my heart burning passionately).

This banger of the week fires me up to have some fun on the weekend by literally just repeating three days of the week in the correct order. It’s factual and doesn’t beat around the bush, kind of like Manscape’s Lawn Mower 4.0 (still trying to snag that sponsorship). It follows the recipe for a timeless “wedding party” masterpiece. I can assure you it’ll play at my wedding, and then again repeatedly at my inevitable divorce party. I would say it’ll play at my bar mitzvah too, but I’m not Jewish and I think I’m a bit late to the party. I am still eligible for a bris though. If it means the song plays again at my bris, hell, I’ll turn my hoodie into a crew neck.

“More Bounce in California” by Soulkid #1

Soul Kid #1 is spitting facts. I can’t think of a single combination of countries and states that come close to having as much bounce as California. We have so much excess bounce it’s insane.

I can’t help but wonder how many Soul Kids were there total and what they’re up to. My guess would be they just don’t have that much bounce, likely due to not residing in California.

This song makes me want to rollerblade, suck down on some spliffage, and crush a fish taco beachside. It’s catchy and groovy and I wish it was played at Cal basketball games in hopes it improves verticals for the bears and discourages ups for out of state opponents.

“Hot N****” by Bobby Shmurda

I recently gave this nice little tune a listen and noticed that contrary to popular belief, it’s actually quite sincere. I think this deep dive into some of the lyrics will uncover the 3 prevailing, heartfelt themes in this song,

Theme 1: Brotherly love

Lyric: “Run up on that n****, get to squeezing, ho, squeezing, ho” 

I think this urge to hug a friend is something we can all relate to during this quarantine. Just like Bobby, I plan on running (not walking) over to embrace my buds once we’re reunited. The values Bobby is clearly trying to drive home here are ones of camaraderie, love, and friendship. Along with plenty of screen time in the music video, he’s kind enough to name drop buddies of his such as Trigger, Phantom, and Meeshie on the track. Meanwhile, you’ve got other rappers like Drake not publicly acknowledging the existence of an illegitimate son. You’re a real class act Drake. What an awful example to set. 

Theme: A healthy lifestyle

Lyric: “Try to run down and you can catch a shot, n****”

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Bobby is talking about basketball. These lyrics clearly indicate that he hustles up and down the court, and is a pass-first point guard looking to distribute. Regardless of his talents on the hardwood, he’s promoting a healthy activity.

Lyric: “Running through these checks 'til I pass out”

Now I gotta give credit to Bobby for this cryptic lyric, but he couldn’t sneak it past me. Translation: he’s jogging in a pair of Nike’s until he collapses or the shoe falls apart. Although cardio to the point of exhaustion is a bit extreme, I don’t blame him. I mean you don’t walk into a negotiation and blurt out the price you’ll settle for first thing. Nothing wrong with advocating for cardiovascular health.

Theme: Animal rights activist

Lyric: “That's what got my daddy locked up in the dog pound (Huh)

Free Greezy though, let all of my dogs out”

A call out to the Baha Men’s classic hit “Who let the dogs out,” with a politically driven message. I can only assume Greezy is the name of a dog Bobby visited at the local Pets Lifeline.

He considers his K-9 brethren family, and feels strongly about the number of dogs who live their lives locked up in a pound instead of cuddled up with an owner. Take notes Mike Vick. Did you think all the prison and violence references in this song were about people? Wrong species my friend. 

Bobby Shmurda is on track to be released from prison in 2021. With 2020 being such a disaster, I can’t be the only one who thinks that releasing Bobby early would bring the positivity this world needs.

“My Real Girlfriend” by Pup Punk

Single handedly bringing back an entire genre, Pup Punk combines angsty rock music with an angle of relatability that the Blink-182’s of the world could never capture. Hits such as “Just One Christmas” (a song complaining about the lack of presents when your parents aren’t divorced) and “Back 2 Skewl (Tonight)” (a song about the dread of returning to school bullies as summer comes to an end) turn listeners into fans faster than shit through a goose. 

This song perfectly explains the rollercoaster that is lying about a girlfriend from a different school. RIght off the bat, a pro move by lead singer Rone to not only claim his girlfriend lives in a different country, but also he tosses out some undeniable facts (“Canada is colder”) along with his lies to make him seem more reputable. Then begins phase 2: he gets the notion that people believe him, so the lies become much more extreme to promote an image. Credit to Rone, he makes sure listeners don’t get any ideas with the line, “Went skinny dipping, she’s not fake!” Phase 3: getting caught up in a lie. It’s a dangerous game he’s playing here, he’s skating on thin ice and slips up when he mistakes Toronto’s baseball team for their hockey team. It’s a downhill spiral from there. Next thing ya know he’s claiming he did anal with a MILF. We’ve all been there. 

Bottom line, it’s a grocho song: These guys will rawk your sawks awf.

“Baby Girl” by Sugarland

A ballad about the American Dream, trust, family, hard work, and success. It’s sung from the perspective of a young female, seemingly trapped in a small rural town, who goes for broke to follow her dream of becoming a wealthy artist. Each verse takes the form of a letter sent back to her supportive parents at various points of her journey. Even when she’s requesting funding, she stays true to her dream and keeps a positive perspective throughout. Listeners are treated to a happy ending as our hero accomplished what she set out for. She upgrades to staying at the Ritz Carlton, and has earned “fancy cars and diamond rings,” but never loses her perspective. Despite the recognition and affluence, what really matters to her is family. An inspiring story, and music as beautiful as the lead singer of Sugarland herself.

“Right Above It” by Lil Wayne & Drake

With lyrical references to academy award winning film Slumdog Millionaire and the smell of vagina in the morning, I can safely say these lyrics have range. Paired with a beautifully formulated instrumental, this throwback tune will have you in for a treat. The most underrated aspect of this song: its versatility. There is a spot for this banger on your drinking playlist, your workout playlist, and your “chill” or “vibes” playlist.