The following gets me stoked for normalcy, and knockers.
All strip clubs will be receiving a score from 1 to 10, for which the criteria are as follows:
Interior design
The decor, the space between you and other low lives, the stage, the feng shui.. Man, I miss them already.
Choreography
A newfound, tik-tok-inspired appreciation for dance has me considering this of the utmost importance.
The “it” factor
You can’t really put this in words. It’s not something you can analyse, it's something you feel.
Kindness of Strippers
99% of the time strippers are extremely nice to me, not sure why. On the off chance they aren’t, that’s a big red flag.
Do you leave thinking you’ve fallen in love?
Every strip club’s goal. Full disclosure, this is how I feel after leaving an Applebees, so the scores may be inflated in this category.
Today’s Titter: Garden of Eden (SF)
6.9/10
Let me set the scene here. 2019 is coming to an end as Kyle D (may or may not be protecting my friend with an alias) and I head out to celebrate New Years Eve. A pathetic attempt at flirting here. A credit card declined there. We stumbled out of a bar and ended up kicking off 2020 wandering the streets of San Francisco (somewhat of a precursor to how much of a bummer this year would be). I say to Kyle, “You wanna see boobs and butts?” “Sure.”
Fast forward one uber ride… We approach the “Garden of Eden.” An appropriate name considering it’s a paradise full of temptation. No prior research has been done. We can tell the promoter at the door is struggling to make his nightly quota since most people were celebrating New Years appropriately. We pay a reduced-price cover and enter Eden’s Garden. Right off the bat, comfy chairs; big plus in my book. There’s only one stage, so all six of us in the crowd are focused on one dancer at a time. It takes us an embarrassingly long time to realize that they only have black strippers. To our surprise, it turned out to be a full nude strip club, which did not take us long to figure out.
The highlight of the night was when a very nice stripper pointed at me (of all people in the six person crowd!!!), called me over to the stage, and told me to slap her on the booty. I slapped the butt like Nemo. It was gnautical. She kind of made fun of me for not slapping very hard, but if you couldn’t tell by the fact that rating strip clubs is now a segment in my blog: I’m a gentleman.
Today’s Titter: Nitro (Boulder, CO)
7.5/10
As usual, let me set the scene, because context matters. Visiting my brother in beautiful Boulder for the weekend as we start the night taking down a tasty cerveza from a local brewery, Coors. Without a fake ID, my brother stayed home as his underaged friend and I ventured downtown to meet my friend Lauren Blake (may or may not be protecting an identity with a pseudonym).
Believe it or not there was a time I had never been to a strip club. This was that time. Being a good friend and feminist, Lauren brought me to my first strip club: Nitro.
Everyone remembers their first, right? Not me, really. It was blurry to say the least. But let this speak to the importance of the IT factor. Nitro was able to deliver this intangible for “The Kid'' despite me having no memory of the experience. Would (and will) go back.