Gooseletter 5

Strip Club Reviews Part 2

A segment that makes me stoked for normalcy, and knockers.

As a reminder, scores are measured based on the following criteria:

Interior design/Layout - The decor, the space between you and other low lives, the stage, the feng shui.. Man, I miss them already.

Kindness of strippers - 99% of the time strippers are extremely nice to me, not sure why. On the off chance they aren’t, that’s a big red flag.

Choreography - A newfound, tik-tok-inspired appreciation for dance has me considering this of the utmost importance.

Do you leave thinking you’ve fallen in love? - Every strip club’s goal. Full disclosure, this is how I feel after leaving an Applebees, so the scores may be inflated in this category.

The “IT” factor - You can’t really put this in words. It’s not something you can analyse, it's something you feel. 

Today’s Titter: Nitro (Boulder, CO), Score: 7.5/10

As usual, let me set the scene, because context matters. Visiting my brother in beautiful Boulder for the weekend as we start the night taking down a tasty cerveza from a local brewery, Coors. Without a fake ID, my brother stayed home as his underaged friend and I ventured downtown to meet my friend Lauren Blake (may or may not be protecting an identity with a pseudonym).

Believe it or not there was a time I had never been to a strip club. This was that time. Being a good friend and feminist, Lauren brought me to my first strip club: Nitro. 

Everyone remembers their first, right? Not me, really. It was blurry to say the least. But let this speak to the importance of the IT factor. Nitro was able to deliver this intangible for “The Kid'' despite me having no memory of the experience. Would (and will) go back.

Another health (and finance?) tip

For all the hairy dudes out there. Stop buying body wash and start using shampoo everywhere. On your head cheddar, chest lettuce, and even back cabbage! If that sentence didn’t discourage you from being a vegetarian I don’t know what would. Don’t let big hygiene or most female’s sentiments toward body hair fool you -- you’re one of the lucky ones.

Ass tatts are BACK

Well, technically just below the back. In terms of style, however, they’re as back as can be (did they ever leave?). George Kittle of the hometown 49ers (my preseason pick to win it) recently revealed a tattoo of his college address on his dominant cheek (R), making this tight end’s tight end a bit tighter. You might not peg the guy as a beacon of style, but look at his wife, she’s a smoke show. I was lucky enough to bump into this couple at a high class establishment above the Intercontinental hotel, which admittedly is well above my pay grade. At this point Applebee’s happy hour is above my pay grade as a grassroots independent blogger, so let me have this. Point is, this statistical superstar has proved there’s now a correlation between butt tattoos and hot wives. Although the correlation coefficient is minuscule, I know my male readers “r” desperate enough to get inked where they stink given this news.

Speaking of BACKS….

...Late onset puberty in my mid-20’s has blessed me with very few hand jobs, but instead a handy discovery. It’s a fool-proof way for fools to evaluate the strength of a friendship. It’s simple:

If you ask a buddy to shave your back cabbage for you, and they do so without hesitation, then you’re “backed” by a loyal pal. It’s an embarrassing request and a daunting task that suggests best-man material. Shoutout to the boys who completed the task for me in the past, and my mom that one time I was living at home and had a date. You’re all real ones.

Note: The same applies to a request for shaving chest lettuce (all though the data is not as definitive as the back request), but NOT ass grass. There’s a strict cutoff at the waistline. I don’t make the rules.

Another note: Apologies for all the talk about body hair, but it seems like Manscaped is not afraid to sponsor influencers, so this is me doing everything I can to get my hands on promo code “Goose20” for 15% off the Lawnmower 4.0. As mentioned above, I can barely afford $1 Bahama Mamas at my favorite neighborhood eatery. I need this.

Banger of the Week

(More Bounce in) California - Soul Kid #1

Soul Kid #1 is spitting facts. I can’t think of a single combination of countries and states that come close to having as much bounce as California. We have so much excess bounce it’s insane.

I can’t help but wonder how many Soul Kids there are total and what the rest are up to. My guess would be they just don’t have that much bounce, likely due to not residing in California.

This song is catchy and groovy. If you don't like it, you probably just don't have that much bounce.