Gooseletter 8
Let’s start stretch shaming
I’ve got bully tendencies. You wouldn’t know it by my actions, spotless criminal/HR record or impressive amount of time spent inside lockers in high school. But on the inside I fit the mold.
Bullies are insecure about themselves and combat that by tearing down peers that aggravate those feelings of insecurity(1). The classic Jock vs Nerd strife is the reason intelligence, trying hard in school and (apparently) wearing a shark tooth necklace ONE TIME is looked down upon in a high school setting. I recently got an overwhelming urge to bully a group of people in an adult recreational setting: the gym.
I’m a “get in, get out” kind of guy when it comes to the gym. I don’t want to spend 10-15 minutes before and after a workout laying on the floor and not throwing around dumbbells. In order to become a sight for sore eyes I’m willing to accept the tight and sore thighs.
Those people taking the time and effort to loosen up and ensure musculoskeletal alignment in their own bodies legit disgusts me. I’m there to put up plates and avoid eye contact with everyone around me. Don’t rub your flexible hips in my face (unless you’re a chick).
Does this mentality translate to the bedroom and mean I’m a selfish lover? Probably. You better believe the next Gooseletter is going to be about foreplay shaming. Tabling that for now though.
My solution to cure my own insecurities about flexibility is to start a movement to bully people who stretch. Let’s start “stretch shaming.” What will it look like?
It starts small. A weird look and an audible scoff when you walk by someone stretching. Eventually it becomes more deliberate. For example, if you see someone in an awkward position rolling out their quads you can toss them an, “Ew dude are you humping that foam roller?? Gross.”
I’m technically “inbetween gyms” right now but I’m pretty sure they don’t have a detention or bullying policy. Would love to hear any feedback from readers who give this a shot.
What’s my end goal here? Reduce city-wide range of motion by 10-20% by EOY. That might sound bullish, but the goal metrics for foreplay shaming are much more radical. Trust me we’re all better off if I don’t disclose the insecurities driving that movement.
Pens
I kinda miss those pens with the four color options that allowed note takers to switch back and forth between colors at high speeds. I was never a good note taker - I was more of a note giver to the cool kids in class that would ask - but ability to switch colors with the efficiency and intent of a NASCAR pit stop team without losing a beat is impressive. The classroom is a competitive environment as teachers don’t waive the caution flag to compensate for slower students.
The “multiple-in-one” philosophy still lines the showers of most teenage males across the country when it comes to soap. Why can’t writing utensils have the same notoriety? Actually, I can answer that for ya right away it's because of computers. And apparently the all-in-one shampoo is a red flag. So never mind. I digress…
In my case the 4-point-all-in-one pen did not correlate to a 4-point grade average by any means. Maybe this isn’t a great product after all. I think that’s the takeaway here.
Improving Wag’s hiring process
I haven’t tried it myself, but I’ve heard it's difficult to become a dog walker on Wag (or similar apps). Like a lot of other jobs, getting started is a catch-22: you get hired based on experience, but you can’t get experience without getting hired.
To make the hiring process as fair as possible and ensure dogs across the nation are taken care of, I’m proposing a bi-annual dog-walking combine to employ a fleet of the best dog walkers. Even though it's quite literally a walk in the park, it's not a job that should be taken lightly.
Would it be easier and more cost effective to have potential walkers submit videos or fill out an online survey about their experience and what not? Maybe. But consider the following:
An in-person event fosters a competitive environment that brings out the best in a dog walker.
It’s not fair for people to use their own dogs to display their abilities. There’s too much of a home dog advantage after so many reps with the same pooch.
I’d need to iron out all the events and associated metrics, but they would more or less consist of:
Speed - walkers need to keep up with the fastest dogs
Strength - sometimes holding on to a dog’s leash can feel like riding a bull
Untangling leashes - think of the opposite of a hog tying event when a leash gets caught between a dogs legs or god forbid other objects
Picking up shit - self explanatory
So I guess this has a lot of similarities to a rodeo now that I type these events out.
The combine would be recorded, so any owner can look at the tapes and choose based on performance. Some dogs require more attention in certain areas, and owners would be able to choose walkers that are particularly gifted in doing what their dog needs.
Plus we could televise the event. People love rodeos, why wouldn’t they love the dog combine? Plus think of the sponsorship opportunities for Iams, the ASPCA and local veterinary offices. I think I’m onto something here.
Banger of the Week
Instead of a song for this recurring segment, we’re going to do more of a spotlight on a particular artist and their latest album. The artist previously known as Mike Stud.
Mike Stud is now “mike.” in a recent rebrand after debuting his new album, The Highs, which consists of self- reflective songs rather than cocky frat rap he’s created in the past.
We’re not here to talk about his music though. What you should deduce here is if a guy named ‘Mike Stud’ can de-douche himself, so can you.
Not that we need to, it’s not like we’re methodically devising a plan to bully our adult peers or anything. But this is more of a reminder that everyone matures eventually and at their own pace, so don’t be in a hurry. Let’s continue being wild and douchey while we still can. Thanks, mike.
Søndergaard (2012Søndergaard, D. M. (2012). Bullying and social exclusion anxiety in schools. British Journal of Sociology of Education, 33(3), 355–372. [Taylor & Francis Online], [Web of Science ®], [Google Scholar])