Gooseletter 3
Happy belated Mother’s day and Cinco de Mayo. Please excuse the delay in getting Gooseletter #3 out the door. Here is an extra long, girthy piece to make up for it.
New slang that will make it further than ‘Fetch’ ever did
Grocho (grow - cho) adjective
Def. Well above average, in a steezy way.
Ex. “Wow, the latest Gooseletter is grocho” or “Goose had a grocho diving snag last time we tossed cube at Kyle’s mom’s house”
Hear me out. Remember texting on flip phones in middle school? To maximize time for the important things in life back then like jerking off and XBox, you had to be efficient and abbreviate as much as possible. Ex. “C U l8er.” Now you take the word “great” in text style: gr8. Simply translate the number to spanish, and boom - Grocho. Use it instead of saying great. Personally, I don’t see a future where the youths don’t use this word.
Gnautical (gnaw - tickle) adjective
Def. Something that can only be described as a mix of radical and gnarly
Ex. “Did you see Bryce ollie that ten-stair? That was gnautical!”
I know what you’re thinking. Nautical is already a word. Yeah, so I changed the spelling on my version, asshat! Plus, it’s a nod to all things “of the sea,” which are gnautical by nature (boats, surfing, beaches, mojitos, bikinis, tanning… god I can’t wait for summer). I foresee this word growing quickly in West Coast surf/skate communities.
New Segment: Strip club reviews
All strip clubs will be receiving a score from 1 to 10, for which the criteria are as follows (since this is the first rendition of this segment, I’ve included descriptions so we’re on the same page):
Interior design/Layout - This criteria is kind of like first responders, often overlooked but incredibly important. Taking this opportunity to thank all essential workers for their sacrifices during this pandemic. God bless!
Kindness of strippers - 99% of the time strippers are extremely nice to me, not sure why. On the off chance they aren’t, that’s a big red flag.
Choreography - A newfound, tik-tok-inspired appreciation for dance has me considering this of the utmost importance.
Do you leave thinking you’ve fallen in love? - Every strip club’s goal. Full disclosure, this is how I feel after leaving an Applebees, so the scores may be inflated in this category.
The IT factor - You can’t really put this in words. It’s not something you can analyse, it's something you feel.
Today’s Titter: Garden of Eden (6.9/10)
Let me set the scene here. 2019 is coming to an end as Kyle D (may or may not be protecting my friend with an alias) and I head out to celebrate New Years Eve. A pathetic attempt at flirting here. A credit card declined there. We stumbled out of a bar and ended up kicking off 2020 wandering the streets of San Francisco (somewhat of a precursor to how much of a bummer this year would be). I say to Kyle, “You wanna see boobs and butts?” “Sure.”
Fast forward one uber ride… We approach the “Garden of Eden.” An appropriate name considering it’s a paradise full of temptation. No prior research has been done. We can tell the promoter at the door is struggling to make his nightly quota since most people were celebrating New Years appropriately. We pay a reduced-price cover and enter Eden’s Garden. Right off the bat, comfy chairs; big plus in my book. There’s only one stage, so all six of us in the crowd are focused on one dancer at a time. It takes us an embarrassingly long time to realize that they only have black strippers. To our surprise, it turned out to be a full nude strip club, which did not take us long to figure out.
The highlight of the night was when a very nice stripper pointed at me (of all people in the six person crowd!!!), called me over to the stage, and told me to slap her on the booty. I slapped the butt like Nemo. It was gnautical. She kind of made fun of me for not slapping very hard, but if you couldn’t tell by the fact that rating strip clubs is now a segment in my blog: I’m a gentleman.
Overall, Garden of Eden gets a 6.9/10.
Not really a health tip, but “Underrated Muscles”
Curls may be for the girls. Tri’s may be for the guys. But if you’re like me and can’t impress either of those genders, these are the muscles you might as well focus on:
Traps: Shrug your way to looking like a cobra. Focus only on this “muscle” and you’ll look like Mike Alstott in full pads from the shoulders up - but without the helmet, balance, or talent. You’ll basically just have a permanent neck roll. Why is it underrated? It's the closest muscle to your face, so it gets the most visibility.
Forearms: No one has to ask you how much you bench or squat to know you’re strong. All you have to do is not wear sleeves. I have no idea how you workout your forearms. All I know is I was jumping rope the other day and I started to feel it in my forearms. Not sure what that says about me.
Starting 5 hot cartoon characters
Lola Bunny: A consensus #1 for any guy with taste. She’s the definition of a babe. She’s got more swagger than Nick Young, she’s got handles like Jamal Crawford, she can yam like Vince Carter, and she'll Bad Boy Pistons you if you call her ‘Doll.” She put up a hell of a performance against tough division rival Monstars in a high stakes game, so it's safe to assume she’s got the clutch gene.
Katara (The Last Airbender): Let’s get this party started cuz I want to be on a (water)bender. Piercing blue eyes and the mental toughness that comes from an eskimo upbringing. I see her as a Bobby Boucher type: known as the water-person at first, but their passion drives them to be one of the stars of the team.
Raven (Teen Titans): She’s a hot goth babe: a rare breed. She warrants a certain respect on the court that doesn’t stem from veteran status, but from fear. An absolute wildcard that’s gonna dive for loose balls and get into brawls. She’s straight up Chris “Birdman” Andersen (mostly because of the energy brought to the court, but they also have the bird thing in common).
Kim Possible: A cheerleader by day, spy by night. She’s the vocal leader of any team. She can boost morale in the locker room, cut backdoor for an open layup and give you 3+ steals per game. Not to mention, she’s redhead with army swag that makes my naked mole-rat come to attention.
Daphne Blake: Not necessarily a gym rat or a “smart player.” Daphne is like an athletic Center from overseas that doesn’t understand much english, but gets boards. Considering how much she gets captured in the Scooby Doo series, she’s susceptible to the double team and shouldn’t be handling the ball. Regardless, she’s a babe.
Banger of the Week
My Real Girlfriend by Pup Punk
Single handedly bringing back an entire genre, Pup Punk combines angsty rock music with an angle of relatability that the Blink-182’s of the world could never capture. Hits such as “Just One Christmas” (a song complaining about the lack of presents when your parents aren’t divorced) and “Back 2 Skewl (Tonight)” (a song about the dread of returning to school bullies as summer comes to an end) turn listeners into fans faster than shit through a goose.
This song perfectly explains the rollercoaster that is lying about a girlfriend from a different school. RIght off the bat, a pro move by lead singer Rone to not only claim his girlfriend lives in a different country, but also he tosses out some undeniable facts (“Canada is colder”) along with his lies to make him seem more reputable. Then begins phase 2: he gets the notion that people believe him, so the lies become much more extreme to promote an image. Credit to Rone, he makes sure listeners don’t get any ideas with the line, “Went skinny dipping, she’s not fake!” Phase 3: getting caught up in a lie. It’s a dangerous game he’s playing here, he’s skating on thin ice and slips up when he mistakes Toronto’s baseball team for their hockey team. It’s a downhill spiral from there. Next thing ya know he’s claiming he did anal with a MILF. We’ve all been there.
Bottom line, it’s a grocho song: These guys will rawk your sawks awf.