Gooseletter 2
Thank you to those who provided feedback on last week's newsletter. Here at the Gooseletter, our readers always come first.
Given the uncertain future caused by this virus, we’re going to start with a general list that relates to day to day life in quarantine.
Quarantine activities you’ve considered doing but even if you start there’s no way you’ll see them through
Strengthening your core - This is right around the time you should be miraculously shapeshifting into a less than ideal summer bod. You have all the time in the world. The only equipment required for ab workouts is the floor. Is 2020 gonna be the year of the core? Hard no. It’s not a lack of knowledge when it comes to workouts. Remember how fit you were when you played that sport in high school? No, it’s the fact that any other activity in the world will take precedence over sit ups. For someone who spends the majority of the day horizontal in bed, it’s insane how reluctant you are to lay down on the floor and crush abs. I mean summer will probably be cancelled anyway, what’s the point?
Learning guitar/any instrument laying around the house - Your parents might have had you take guitar or piano lessons for a couple months when you were 8. You’ve been telling yourself (and anyone else who would listen) that you know the fundamentals and could play guitar if you really set your mind to it for a couple days. It’s just like riding a bike, right? You’re overestimating. I’ll give it about an hour and before you get too frustrated to continue. You’ll convince yourself you’re quitting out of respect for your roommates, and to save some pussy for the rest of the boys once parties are a thing again.
Cooking or baking - This goes one of two ways after you look up a recipe. 1) You’re missing 1 or more ingredients. It’s not worth going to the store. 2) You gave it your best shot and it turned out really, really bad. You claim you followed the instructions step by step. You blame the recipe. You never try again.
Practicing your putting - Would-be Masters weekend at Augusta just passed. You grab a red solo cup and a couple balls and start putting on the carpet to the tune of Ray Charles’ “Georgia on my mind.” There is no way this lasts more than 10 minutes, it’s not that fun. You’ve never had a good short game anyway, you pride yourself on piss missiles from the tee baby.
A puzzle - There’s no point. It’s a ton of work and you end up breaking it apart again when you’re done. Odds are it’s missing a piece anyway.
And yeah, okay, these come from my own experiences. You think you’re better than me? Try to see any of these through. Be my guest.
Kind of a health tip but not really
Hiccups. Everyone’s been there.
Hiccups are like middle school boners - they come at the worst times.
Hiccups are like nicotine cravings - no matter what you do, they never seem to go away
Since hiccups are all the things that have haunted me in the form of a bodily reaction, I’ve devised a foolproof way to stop hiccups for good (something the waistband trick, “diversifying my cancer risk”, and Accutane could never do).
All you have to do is stick your fingers down your throat. I’m not saying make yourself vomit, god no, who would ever do that [insert gif of me pulling trig]. Just get to the point where you gag a couple times then stop. A combination of clearing your throat and experiencing the worst sensation known to man will get rid of your hiccups in no time.
It’s efficient, it never fails, it’s quick, and (unlike any female partners of mine) you’ll be satisfied and have me to thank for it.
The age-old debate: Friday Beers vs Zillion Beers
We’re truly blessed to be alive during this renaissance of promotional beer-drinking online content. With so much content out there and two competing front runners, I’m providing you not only the information you need to pick a side, but the tools to be an avid supporter:
Friday Beers: Celebrity endorsement - The BOAT, Blake Bortles.
Currently sitting at a record of 361-0, this character-driven meme account will have you yearning to shake its damn hand. The content and it’s followers are united through a sentiment beer drinkers have endured since Henry Ford pioneered the 40-hour work week: the countdown to Friday suckdowns.
A clear highlight of this content is the set of personalities that are all too familiar within your own crew, featuring favorites like Dooley, Fringe Guy, Jimmy Heaters, and The Big Fella. Every movie and TV show reference are meticulously chosen and appreciated by American twenty-somethings all over the country. On top of the relatability, this brand has evolved from an anti white claw instagram account and ventured out to encapsulate all aspects of the Friday night experience. The most underrated part of this account: It’s been successful while following only one other account since its conception - that of Dua Lipa.
Zillion Beers: Celebrity endorsement - Country singer Morgan Wallen
Unlike its anonymous competitor, this brand is spearheaded by some dude named Dana with a mullet that works with Barstool. I’ve gotta hand it to this guy, he can crush beers. And that is exactly what his content is about: Crushing upwards of one Zillion beers.
Here’s the history lesson. This guy Dana goes on Twitter and posts videos of himself chugging beers with the caption, “Zillion Beers.” He gets a following and starts making Zillion Beers merch, and his boss challenges him to sell $30k of said merch. He does it and Barstool promotes it. In a matter of days, he’s got a huge following and becomes Zillion Beers guy.
Although it’s a merchandise-oriented genesis, the content is plentiful and committed. Dana found a babe from the Bills Mafia, took her to Vegas, and got hitched for the cause. On top of that, he does the class-act move of donating all of his earnings to ALS research.
This is a modern day Federer vs Nadal or Bird vs Magic. The Gooseletter does not endorse brands outside of Malcolm Reed’s HowToBBQRight, so the choice is yours.
Banger of the week
Baby Girl by Sugarland
A ballad about the American Dream, trust, family, hard work, and success. It’s sung from the perspective of a young female, seemingly trapped in a small rural town, who goes for broke to follow her dream of becoming a wealthy artist. Each verse takes the form of a letter sent back to her supportive parents at various points of her journey. Even when she’s requesting funding, she stays true to her dream and keeps a positive perspective throughout. Listeners are treated to a happy ending as our hero accomplished what she set out for. She upgrades to staying at the Ritz Carlton, and has earned “fancy cars and diamond rings,” but never loses her perspective. Despite the recognition and affluence, what really matters to her is family. An inspiring story, and music as beautiful as the lead singer of Sugarland herself.