Gooseletter 1
Welcome to The Gooseletter. A newsletter by Geese, for Geese.
Well, more accurately: A weekly newsletter by Goose, for the people. Not sure what this is going to be yet. It’ll probably last a couple weeks then I’ll get lazy and quit, but for those couple weeks it’ll be glorious.
A couple recommendations while we have all this free time
1. Hockey. Obviously the NHL is paused for the time being. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the best parts of it on YouTube. It’s an unreal sport there bud. Not sure what the curriculum is up north there in Canada, but the mic’d up chirps are second to none. It’s gonna be bad news if you go out to the bars with me once this quarantine ends considering how many chirp videos I’ve watched. I’m lookin for a tilly, a donnybrook, a fuckin’ dance with some fuckin’ pigeons bud. Get your MMA and football fix with fight and hit compilations. This sport makes the current NBA look softer than my pecker trying to perform after about 3 martinis (more on that later). However, you know what makes my dick harder than a 10mg Cialis pill does? Dirty dangles. I’ve never played this bizzare sport, but I can’t even begin to fathom how Connor McDavid dangles like he does in this video. Go sharks.
2. Malcolm Reed and the HowToBBQRight channel/podcast.The past few weeks I’ve been procrastinating by watching this absolute legend’s videos. First off, just based on looks, he’s a guy you want cooking you food. He’s probably sitting at a solid 5’10’’ - 370lbs, the perfect proportions for any pitmaster. Secondly, he’s got that soothing southern twang you can’t walk away from. I listened to over an hour of him and his friends talking about crawfish on their podcast. It was captivating. Thirdly, (and most importantly) the man is passionate. You gotta respect his love for BBQ and the willingness (and desire) to share his depth of knowledge. For a dude who looks like he does not share when it comes to food, you can tell he’s producing these videos to spread the joy of BBQ across the nation. All from the kindness of his heart. God bless you Malcolm Reed.
The case for martinis
Most of you have heard my reasoning before, but I want this in writing because I feel strongly. I hereby endorse this cocktail for the following reasons:
It gets the job done quick - Had a stressful day at work? Count on a martini to get your mind off work in a matter of minutes. Show up late to the pregame with the fellas? Crush a martini and you’ll be fun you in no time.
It’s classy - If you’re receiving this email, I hate to break it to you, but you’re not very classy. BUT you can fool strangers by drinking martinis.
Low calorie - For all you chonk kings, it’s the perfect way to catch a buzz and drop some weight.
They don’t taste THAT bad - you get used to it I swear.
They come with a snack - Even if you don’t like olives, they taste better than the drink does so you’re gonna end up eating them.
My recipe: 85% Gin, 15% Vermouth, as many olives you can fit on a toothpick.
Health tips
Don’t expect a weekly health tip because I’m not a very healthy person. However, I am certain that these two tips will help:
Diversify your cancer risk: If you chew too much tobacco, you’ll get mouth cancer. If you smoke too many cigarettes, you get lung cancer. If you hit the Juul too much, TBD (but keep in touch with me to find out in about 20 years to find out). All I’m saying is if you alternate between the three, you’ll reduce the risk of each cancer1.
Easy weight loss trick: Spend a lot more time with your shirt off and invest in a lot more mirrors around the house. Increasing the number of times you see your own body will either really upset you and put you in a dark place, or motivate you to lose the weight. It’s about 50/50.
Banger of the week
This will probably be a recurring segment given my world class taste in music.
This week: “Right above it” by Lil Wayne and Drake
With lyrical references to academy award winning film Slumdog Millionaire and the smell of vagina in the morning, we can safely say these lyrics have range. Paired with a beautifully formulated instrumental, this throwback tune will have you in for a treat. The most underrated aspect of this song: its versatility. There is a spot for this banger on your drinking playlist, your workout playlist, and your “chill ass vibes” playlist.