The case for martinis
My recipe: 85% Gin, 15% Vermouth, as many olives you can fit on a toothpick.
Most of you have heard my reasoning before, but I want this in writing because I feel strongly. I hereby endorse this cocktail for the following reasons:
It gets the job done quick - Had a stressful day at work? Count on a martini to get your mind off work in a matter of minutes. Show up late to the pregame with the fellas? Crush a martini and you’ll catch up in no time.
It’s classy - If you’re receiving this email, I hate to break it to you, but you’re not very classy. BUT you can fool strangers by drinking martinis.
Low calorie - For all you watching the waistline, it’s the perfect way to catch a buzz while avoiding the empty carbs.
They don’t taste that bad. You get used to it I swear.
They come with a snack - Even if you don’t like olives, they taste better than the drink does so you’re gonna end up eating them.
Reasons to drink Bud Light
My readers shouldn’t need reasons to drink the lighter version of the King of Beers. However, I’ll fall on the sword and provide, at the very least, some jesterfication for your royal consumption. Especially when someone questions your crusade of draining a couple (or seven) bud diesels with your buddy Lance on a weeknight:
Spuds Mackenzie
The party loving, happening dude everyone should aspire to be. We all grew up idolizing this hairy, (merrier than most) bull terrier as he blessed living rooms on football Sundays throughout the 80’s. His stardom may predate our time, but his popularity at SoCal-Rasta-Cowboy themed parties should deter our sobriety on Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday week nights. Let’s keep suckin 'em down for Spuds.
Not actually Spuds. Just your average model bull terrier. But looks like he parties too tbh.
A history of failing to attract women
Sheesh call me out why don’t ya. But it's true, in 1991 a legend by the name of Richard Overton sued Budweiser after their advertisements depicted a fantasy lifestyle of “beautiful women and men engaged in unrestricted merriment.” Entranced by the ads, he housed a few BL’s and suffered “physical and mental injury, emotional distress, and financial loss” when his buzz didn’t result in babes. Richie experienced what we all do after a night out, but he had the cajones to sue for 10k. Legend, kinda.