Ass tatts are BACK

Well, technically just below the back. In terms of style however, they’re as back as can be (did they ever leave?). George Kittle of the almost Super Bowl 54 champion 49ers (also my preseason pick to win it) recently revealed a tattoo of his college address on his dominant cheek (R), making this tight end’s tight end a bit tighter. You might not peg the guy as a beacon of style, but look at his wife, she’s a smokeshow. I was lucky enough to bump into this couple at a high class establishment above the Intercontinental hotel, which admittedly is well above my pay grade. At this point Applebee’s happy hour is above my pay grade as a grassroots independent blogger, so let me have this. Point is, this statistical superstar has proved there’s now a correlation between butt tattoos and hot wives. Although the correlation coefficient is miniscule, I know my male readers “r” desperate enough to get inked where they stink with this new info.

Speaking of BACKS….

...Late onset puberty in my mid-20’s has blessed me with very few hand jobs, but instead a handy discovery. It’s a fool-proof way for fools to evaluate the strength of a friendship. It’s simple:

If you ask a buddy to shave your back cabbage for you, and they do so without hesitation, then you’re “backed” by a loyal pal. It’s an embarrassing request and a daunting task deserving of a promotion from bachelor to best-man. Shoutout to the boys who completed the task for me in the past, and my mom that one time I was living at home and had a date. You’re all real ones.

Note: The same applies to a request for shaving chest lettuce (all though the data is not as definitive as the back request), but NOT ass grass. There’s a strict cutoff at the waistline. I don’t make the rules.

Another note: Apologies for the talk about body hair, but it seems like Manscaped sponsors just about every influencer, so this is me doing everything I can to get my hands on promocode “Goose20” for 15% off the Lawnmower 2.0. As mentioned above, I can barely afford $1 Bahama Mamas at my favorite neighborhood eatery.